Since Isla was born in 2017, life has felt so content. I had almost forgotten what a content life felt like. I always knew at some point the voices, that chatter in your head would get louder and louder about wanting another child. Yes; despite all I have been through to get one living child I was prepared to enter into that horrid, unsettled life again. Where all you see is pregnant woman, pregnancy announcements.
2019 was the year that at some point I would want to start trying again, despite all it would bring… but part of me actually thought how bad can it be! SERIOUSLY what was
I thinking.
Towards the end of 2019 at the end of October I found out I was pregnant again but sadly at 6 weeks the embryo hadn’t developed properly and once again I was thrown into that… sad, unfair why me feeling. I knew what was to come… for some reason my body just does not seem to miscarry naturally so I opted for medical management… not easy nor pleasant but my preferred route! I mean preferred… that’s when you know you have worn the t-shirt too many times! I am part of the Tommy’s team under Professor Quenby, each time I have miscarried under her care the tissue (embryo) is sent off for testing.
A break, I told myself… Yet when I found out that the embryo was a good egg it made me want to try again straight away. A quick over view for those reading who don’t know my history, I have a genetic disorder that effects chromosomes 13 and 14… so each time we fall pregnant we are hoping for a good egg… well I stupidly thought all the good eggs would work! Not the case clearly.
JAN 2020…
Yep… another positive pregnancy test… I couldn’t really believe it so quickly but I just thought… here we go again. I literally feel nothing when I see a positive test now… the 3rd time lucky rule, well that shipped sailed long ago. This was my 7th pregnancy… utter madness I thought, but deep down I thought surely this has got to be a good egg the little golden nugget me and my husband had both been hoping for.
Days are long and weeks feel like months… time is a horrid thing and so is your mind. An early scan at 6 weeks revealed a heartbeat… a small sigh of relief. I have been here before and then had it all fail around 7 weeks so I never let myself believe it will work out. With Isla I was 34 weeks pregnant when I actually thought I might get the chance to bring a baby home! Babyloss has a way of taking away the joy of pregnancy.
Sadly my 7th pregnancy was not meant to be… extreme bleeding just days after my scan. Another scan showed a slow heartbeat but I knew where it was heading! A few days later at another scan this showed no heartbeat and the bleeding had stopped so another medical management. It is mentally exhausting going through all the emotions, but once I know the pregnancy has failed I just want it over so my body can return to it’s normal routine and I can gain my strength back to try again. After the medical management I was told to do a pregnancy test 4 weeks later, well as I was still slightly bleeding I new it would be positive, and there it sat in bold writing ‘PREGNANT’… I just thought ‘oh here we go in for a D&C then!’
I called the hospital and was told to come in for scan a week before we went into lockdown…the hospital was like a ghost town. The scan revealed a small piece of tissue around 2cm had got left behind from the medical management. The next day I was booked in for a D&C. 4 weeks after the D&C the pregnancy test was negative… it took over 8 weeks for that miscarriage to be over! The same day I did the pregnancy test I also got my period… small wins going through this do make you feel like you are gaining control back and it isn’t controlling you.
Here’s hoping next time we get a good egg and this cycle does not carry on:
Positive, miscarriage, negative, positive, miscarriage, negative…
I can’t thank the Tommy’s team at UHCW enough for all there continued support and
The Lily Mae Foundation for always being there for me too.
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